This wonderful theory was posted by the physical embodiment of all Karens and their usernames, in response to a TikTok video about CERN restarting the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) this year.

It’s an intriguing prospect if you already believe in talking snakes, no doubt, but the fact that she put a laughing emoji immediately following what can arguably be described as the dumbest part of the post makes me think she doesn’t really believe it. She’s already wrong about the Shroud of Turin (it’s fake – watch the brilliant Emma Thorne dissect the phony religious relic), which makes me think she simultaneously belongs to the “Do your own research” crowd and has, in fact, done absolutely zero research herself. It’s the Karen’s battle cry: “Do as I say, not as I do, because what I do is pretty dumb.”

Sadly, we’re only left to ponder the myriad possibilities of just who or what CERN is trying to bring back to life/reality. I can’t tell you it’s “not to do with evil”, just like Karebear can’t count to 11 on her toes, try as she might. Hitler? Stalin? Carole Baskin’s husband? The lack of specificity is what haunts me the most.

I’m not going to lie. This reaction is much more measured than my immediate one, which was, of course, as any sane person’s would be, laughing really loudly and hitting print screen at faster than light speeds. Sometimes TikTok earns its keep. Thank you China.

Exo